The weather in Columbus this week has vastly improved from the snowy hell we’ve been enduring since January. Temperatures are climbing the mid-fifties, the sky is blue, sun is shining, and snow is melting. Being a white person, I of course busted out the flip flops as soon as conditions bettered. But one thing I neglected to consider about this glorious weather was the rain that would soon follow. And with the rain comes the worms. I have always hated worms, but this year my hate has become a full on phobia.

My first encounter was walking to my car after work last week. It was dark, had rained that day, and I of course was wearing flip flops. I happened to look down and in the shadows on the sidewalk I saw the horrible creatures. Different sizes, some wriggling around, and all that was separating them from my bare feet was a thin piece of rubber. I wanted to sprint to the car, but for fear of stepping on one, I walked cautiously, which only prolonged my agony. I also had to keep looking down so avoid them, meaning I saw every single one. I finally got to my car and hyperventilated.

A couple of nights ago I saw the nasty things again, this time I was walking to the beverage mart a few blocks from my apartment, once again wearing sandals. And once again I felt Indiana Jones in the snake pit. What’s worse about the worms is that in the shadows, everything looks like one, and the only way to tell the difference between a worm and a stick is to note which one moves. Very nauseating. Next time I’ll ride my bike to beverage mart.


Format Change

For all of the five people who sometimes read this blog, I am enacting changes to format. No longer can my humble little spot on the interwebs be sustained by television and movies alone. I am a busy boy, and sometimes the time to watch television and movies escapes me. What does not escape me however is actual life and my own opinions and experiences. So assuming anyone cares, categories have been nixed and narrowed down, and in conjunction with what I watch on television, I shall post about other crap too. Let’s see how this goes.

My Gossip Girl Wish List

Gossip Girl is finally back on Monday after what seems like a lifetime hiatus. So long in fact I barely remember where we left our spoiled Upper-East Siders. Oh yeah, Serena was ruining her life by screwing politicians and may have found her father. Lilly and Rufus found out the identity of their rock n roll love child and even met the kid, then everyone promptly forgot about him. Dan engaged in hideous three way sex with Hillary Duff and Vanessa. Thankfully H Duff is off, hopefully forever, and if there is a God Vanessa can go off into the sunset as well. Blair was whining about not being queen anymore, Jenny is dealing drugs, and Chuck’s mom may not really be dead. Nate is there somewhere, but he’s been off in his own bubble most of the time so who cares.

Sadly, the show this season has been uneven, if not still entertaining. I have complied my wish list for the rest of the season in hopes that I may not jump into the Hudson.

  • Stop the whole Dan loves Vanessa, she doesn’t love him, will they ever get together nonsense. Let Dan just be single for a while and focus on his bad poetry.
  • Chuck needs to be given more to do than just nap with Blair and buy and sell hotels. Sure, that stuff is cool, but where’s the bad ass scheming get shit done Chuck that we used to have?
  • Get Rufus a hair cut.
  • Blair can stay just the way she is. Except less bad wardrobe choices people.
  • Oh Serena. Where do I begin? I wish you wouldn’t have done everything you’ve already done this season, so how about doing the exact opposite of everything you would normally do from now on. It kinda worked for George Costanza.
  • No more guest stars or new characters. Hillary Duff was not good, bless her heart. The appearance by Tyra was lame, and sadly so was Lady Gaga’s appearance. None of that, just stick with the pretty rich kids we actually want to see.

Tea Time!

Drug dealers prepare to make tons of cash, Alice In Wonderland arrived this weekend, and it was a trippy, visual, entertaining delight. The movie takes place with Alice returning to “Underland” 13 years after she first visited and meet the Mad Hatter and all of his friends. She meets up with everyone again, but this time must defeat a giant dragon monster in order to dethrone the evil Red Queen. In the end the story turns into a chosen one must defeat the villain in order restore happiness throughout the land deal, in the vein of Narnia, but who cares. What you get is wonderfully dark and fun tale, and thankfully Tim Burton does a good job at mixing together elements from the old story into this new one. Did we really think he wouldn’t?

The movie is every bit as entertaining and weird as you’d expect. Visuals are all realistic and highly detailed, making everything of course look like a giant mushroom trip. My favorite scene had to be the tea party set in the field against a broken down, sad looking windmill. All of the characters from the original story are present including Tweedle Dee and Dum, the caterpillar, The Mad Hatter and his mouse and rabbit, plus a very cool Cheshire Cat that evaporated like magic and had very clever wit. One thing that surprised me was how dark and twisted some of the events were that took place. Yes it’s Tim Burton and he always does that type of thing, but it’s a children story essentially, and seeing someone’s eye removed from its socket will always take me back a bit.

So, of course run out and see this. There’s really nothing else on right now and if you’ve already seen it, do it again. Maybe in 3-D.

Grab the tissues and text your mom, it’s Parenthood

Parenthood finally premiered this week on NBC, and forgive me sounding like Rachael Ray gushing about cider gravy, but I freaking loved it. I mean, how could Ron Howard take a cast like Peter Kraus and Lauren Graham and screw it up? The show is about four siblings and their varying stages of parenthood they are navigating. They laugh, fight, have family dinners, worry about children, and drink wine. It’s like Brothers & Sisters except with a more narrowed purpose. This show is good and needs to be watched, and a cast like this cannot go to waste.

The plot lines in the first episode set us up for all sorts of familial drams. Adam and Christina’s son Max is diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome by the educational psychologist and also with terminal cuteness by myself. Seriously, the kid has a curly mop of hair and big brown eyes. Not to mention he isn’t remotely annoying. Y’all, while I will shout my love of Peter Kraus from a mountain, I have always harbored a secret crush on Monica Potter. This is for reasons I cannot explain, but that is life.

Sarah and her two rebellious hellions move back in with the grandparents because mom is out of money after divorcing her drug addicted rocker ex-husband. The daughter is arrested with her cousin for weed possession, but they live in freaking Berkley, so is it that big of a deal? The son gets emo and runs off to Fresno because living with a drug addicted parent is better than nothing. Sara goes on a blind date with that dude who was on Yes, Dear and gets busted trying to get nookie in the family room. Oh sweet lord, how unbelievably good it is for Lauren Graham, or forever as Lorelai Gilmore, to be back on television. And of course she does an awesome job and still looks hot as hell. Props.

Those two siblings were the most interesting so I’ll be brief in this next part. Dax Sheppard plays another sibling, named Crosby, and both of those facts make me cringe. Another thing that is cringe worthy is him finding frozen sperm in his idiot girlfriend’s freezer, because she is 34 and wants a baby, darn it! Crosby (ahh what a stupid name) promises to kind of maybe marry his crazy sperm hoarding girlfriend instead of running for the hills like he should. But wait, there’s more! A dancer from his sexy past shows up and surprise surprise, they have a bam chicka wow wow love child together. Looks like he’s gonna have to get over his fear of commitment and fatherhood quick! Oh, irony, how nice of you to join us.

Erika Christensen, who I last saw in Swim Fan, is the last sibling, Julia, and honestly I didn’t get that she was related until like, the end of the episode. Julia is a hard working lawyer lady who is so busy she can’t see her daughter and as a result is shunned from reading her child bedtime stories or cutting her meat. Dirty. Her husband Joel is a nice man, good father, and loves ping pong, as does everyone else in the family. Maybe it’s a West coast thing, who knows.

And there’s Craig T. Nelson and the mother somewhere in the mix, but all we learn about them is that dad is pushy, mom is probably a hippie, and there’s a secret stash of condoms in dad’s office. All I’m saying is if he’s cheating, at least he’s wearing a condom.

Maniac Mother Teresa

Modern Family was a rerun this week, but considering I missed it the first time around it was new to me. Luckily this particular episode turned out to be one of the funniest so far.

Cameron and Mitchell were running late to a puppet show for their daughter when they see the gardener crying. Cam takes pity on this poor man and invites him in with hilarious broken Spanish. The phrase “maniac Mother Teresa” is used and it was awesome. What follows is a slew of family members of the gardener arriving at the house and Cam ends up hosting a Mexican wedding in his and Mitchell’s living room.

Gloria hates the new life sized dog butler statue Jay brought back from Las Vegas and calls it the devil. Several quick scenes show her walking past it forgetting it is there and then freaking out and screaming at it. This plot was cleverly written with Gloria walking in on Jay talking at wrong parts of his conversation, leading her to believe he’s in love with and wants to marry the dog. In the end Jay pawns the statue off to Cam and Mitchell, and Cam does a hilarious voice for the dog as Mitchell forces him to sell it to a thrift shop. My love for Cameron knows no end!

Clair finds a dirty picture on the family laptop and accuses Luke of looking at it, but in reality it was a forward to Phil he got from a coworker. Phil lets Luke take the fall until finally it is realized who the real porn king is. Phil apologizes to Luke and in the end Clair really isn’t that mad anymore. I promise you this story was way funnier that I described it as.

The one complaint, no Manny in this episode!

Drama on the Block

After three weeks Desperate Housewives is new tonight with more wacky mysteries and antics of a wayward stripper. Dear god I’m starting to be over this show.