Two New Shows To Skip

NBC is bringing us more new shows in March, but unlike Parenthood or the new season of Celebrity Apprentice, these two shows look like utter crap. I’m talking about The Marriage Ref and Who Do You Think You Are?

The Marriage Ref comes from Jerry Seinfeld and Tom Papa. The two comedians are taking a look at all the wacky and excruciating minutiae of married life. Couples come on the show, explain their marital problems, and then the marriage ref along with a panel of judges determines whether the husband or wife is the winner of the conflict. Um… pass. This sounds like an uncomfortable and immature way to solve problems, even if they are as stupid as flossing in bed or paying too much attention to the family dog. And husbands, I ask you one thing- do you really think the best way to win a fight is to prove your wife wrong on national television? Sure you may win the war against taking out the trash, but you will probably wake up with your dick chopped off.

Who Do You Think You Are? is a genealogy show wherein celebrities look up their family history. This premise has all the appeal of watching paint dry or being trapped under a burning couch. The celebrities involved are all fairly good choices, like Lisa Kudrow, Sara Jessica Parker and Spike Lee, but still. How exciting is it gonna be watching them get on ancestry.com and then track down long lost cousins? I love celebs, but I don’t give a crap whether or not they have witches or Civil War generals in their family history. Once again, pass.

Coming Soon- Parenthood

This long, disgusting winter needs to end now. You know what else needs to end? Winter hiatus! Pretty soon our favorites such as Gossip Girl, Flashforward, and V will be returning as well as a host of new shows hoping to gain acceptance. One such show that starts up on March 1 on NBC is Parenthood.

Not only is the cast stellar, featuring Lauren Graham, Peter Krause, and Craig T. Nelson, but it’s based off of the equally awesome 80′s flick of the same name which starred Rick Moranis, Dianne Weist, and Steve Martin. It is directed by Ron Howard, who also did the original movie. Dear God typing those last few sentences sent me into a deliriously  happy state. NBC better not muck this up because I love both Graham and Krause and to not only have them back on my screen but together no less is nothing short of amazing. And it also looks like Arrested Development‘s little Ann Veal plays Graham’s daughter. Excellent.

The premise is pretty much what you’d expect, a sprawling family drama taking on all the ho-hum details of everyday family life. Given the success of Modern Family and Brothers & Sisters, this definitely looks like a winner. Keep space free on your DVR!

Late Night Drama

NBC has made their final decision about the late night line up debacle. Jay Leno will take back his spot on The Tonight Show, and Conan O’Brien is getting $45 million and hitting the dusty trail. This makes me want to vomit. I hate NBC so much for this! Too bad I’m addicted to Days Of Our Lives and 30 Rock.

It’s as if NBC has no respect for Conan and wants to kiss Leno’s ass til the cows come home. Sure, Leno has been with the network forever, but his time has passed. I don’t blame Conan for walking away and refusing to change his time slot. If anything this whole drama makes Leno look like such a bastard. He’s had his run and needs to just bow out gracefully instead of jumping from time to time and completely disrespecting Conan like this. But, what’s done is done, Conan will do fine in whatever he does next and Leno can choke on a bug.

And I Took My Reward

30 Rock returned to us in a fiery blaze of hilarity this week, but did we think it would come back any other way? Not only was the return wonderful, there were two episodes. I love that more than Liz Lemon loves deli meats. Let’s dive into the amazing aspects of the new episodes, shall we?

• Liz, James Franco, and the Japanese sex pillow engaging what I’m going to assume was the most awesome three-way in television history.
• Liz having an office affair with the new cast member of TGS and embracing her “dirty thirties.”
• Jack’s story of sordid office romance culminating in the phrase “and I took my reward.”
• Tracy describing his freaky, sexy New Year’s Eve with his wife.
• Jenna finally gives it up and embraces her age, landing a spot on Gossip Girl.

I’m sure there was much more that made the return so grand that I’m forgetting, so thank God for DVR.

Leno Vs Conan

NBC is really in a fuster cluck over its late night scheduling. The Jay Leno show has a been a drain on the 10pm time slot it was put into earlier this fall and now they’re going to make my poor Conan suffer. Instead of just canceling Leno and letting him spend more time with his cars, NBC insists on keeping him and his chin around. Their bright idea? Put Jay on at 11:30 for a half hour show then push Conan back to midnight and Jimmy Fallon back to 1am. Is it just me or does this sound like the Bay of Pigs, only with late night?  Worst scheduling idea ever.

What the hell would Leno do in a half hour? Stand up comedy and then do a jay walking segment? Why not let him just produce something or here’s a thought, let him off the air like he was supposed to be. And now Conan is on the verge of going over to do his late night on FOX. I say let Conan go to FOX. They need a nightly comedy fixture that isn’t repeats of Everybody Loves Raymond, plus that network is pretty crude and would let Conan get away with practically whatever the hell he wants. It looks like he is about fed up with the network because he basically told NBC to suck it, and he is not moving his show back for Leno. Go, Conan! Show them what it’s like to mess with a crazy red headed bastard such as yourself!

So yeah, NBC is a mysterious, self destructive beast that is gonna shove Leno down our throats and and we’re gonna like it, dammit. Except, not. If Leno is doing poorly at 10, my guess is he’ll do poorly in a half hour show at 11:30. Just give me back my Law & Order at 10! And give me back Southland!

Sing It.

NBC doesn’t have massively popular shows like American Idol or Glee, so of course they had to cobble together their own twisted version of both into a reality singing contest that fills the void of mid-December television. Last year they did it with some stupid church choir contest, and this year they have fashioned The Sing-Off, a week long singing competition to find out who the best damn a-Capella band in the land is. What follows is a bunch of people in dorky show choir costumes vying for a title no one cares about. It really just makes me wish America’s Best Dance Crew would come back right now. The sets are practically identical.

My interest in the show doesn’t lie with the singing groups, because honestly, I don’t give a damn. However, the celebs they’ve assembled to participate in this show are fun enough. Since it is a rule that all of these shows feature an ex-boy band member in some capacity, the host is Nick Lachey. He looks nice and beefy in his suits, and can hold a mic without shaking so he fulfills the duty of host well enough. But Mario Lopez he ain’t.

But I full on squealed like a Twilight tween looking at Pete Wentz’s naked Sidekick pictures when I saw Ben Folds at the judge’s table. Personally, I love Ben Folds so much. I’ve seen him in concert a few times and even met him, got an autograph and pictures with him, and saw his two adorable little children and his wife with the funny name. And the guy just released a college a-Capella album covering his most popular songs, so obviously he is a good choice to judge. My favorite was when he told the Mormon group from Brigam Young to cuss more.

Nicole Scherzinger, lead singer and pretty much the only member of the Pussy Cat Dolls, is this competition’s Paula Abdul. But since Paula is off Idol, Natalie is now this show’s Kara. Or Ellen. Whatever, point is Nicole is young, hot, and offers hollow praise and pointless advice, much in the vein of Paula. And since she is young and hot, we are going to listen to her. I could look at her all day to be honest. Thank God she doesn’t dress like a Harlem prostitute like Lil Mama does.

The third judge is Shawn Stockman of Boyz II Men. Wow, another ex-boy band member. There he is. I really don’t have much opinion on Boyz II Men, so yeah. I hope he took his paycheck and bought himself something nice.

The Sing-Off may suck, but it’s only a week long, NBC needs ratings, and it’s a safe choice to watch if you’re in the company of the elderly.

Cheesy Blasters

After stocking up on wine and binging on my DVDs, I was finally ready for the premiere of 30 Rock. Or so I thought.  I had no idea what was to come in the premiere of the fourth season but what we got was hilarious from start to finish.  Oh, how I missed the clever one liners, wacky misunderstandings, Jack being the best asshole ever, Kenneth’s dorky charm and Tracy’s outrageous behavior.  Last night’s episode was filled with pages on strike, Liz and Pete being trapped in a secret non-love affair, Jenna going country and playing tennis, as well as a great jab at how this show has completely forgotten that Josh exists. Here’s to another piss your pants funny season! And guess what? A little bird told me Betty White is soon to be guest starring.  I want to go to there. Now.