Drama on the Block

After three weeks Desperate Housewives is new tonight with more wacky mysteries and antics of a wayward stripper. Dear god I’m starting to be over this show.

Wouldn’t It Be Nice If…

The long, cold, boring winter television hiatus is finally over and I was ever so excited to have my Desperate Housewives back. However, I was dismayed to find that the premiere episode was an “imagine if” themed story where the characters all wonder how their lives could have been different had their lives taken another path. Long story short, each housewife’s life had the potential to suck hardcore. None of the fantasies are worth mentioning because I don’t really give a damn, I want to see the plot propelled FORWARD people. But I will say that Susan fat looks like Rachael Ray.

In the here and now, a few things happen while everyone gathers at the hospital after the freak plane crash onto the lane. The blackmailing Mona is dead, Orson is wheelchair bound, Lynette and Tom lose one of their twins (Sad!), and Karl is dead. This is sad except for the fact that Karl was a cheating dog, but still. We get a small funeral scene at the end and everyone seems glad that he is out of their lives for good. Now him and Edie can have all the kinky ghost sex they want. Oh, and Lynette and Gaby are friends again, all Lynette had to do was lose one of her unborn sons to save Gaby’s plump little daughter.

For the most part this episode bored me to tears and I fast forwarded through a lot of the fantasies. I hate when this show wastes episodes on crap like montages of dead people, like Edie or that handyman, or anything else that really doesn’t move things along. And I know that these fantasies may have helped the characters come to some clearer understanding about how magical and wonderful life is, but lets  be real. These women never learn. Come on people, a major character died but we were hardly shown anyone reacting. We were told that Bree went into hysterics, which would have been awesome to see. And what about poor Julie? Her dad dies and we don’t get to see her reaction? I feel so cheated.

Next week’s episode puts things back on track as everyone magically forgets the crushing events of this episode and Susan is a stripper, Bree and Orson are cast back into their hellish marriage and Gaby and Carlos deal with more crap from Juanita, whom I love! So yeah, get your shit together housewives, and never EVER waste time pontificating on crap that won’t happen. Reality is so much better.

See You Next Year

And winter hiatus claims two more shows.

On Brothers & Sisters, a hurricane has the nerve to infiltrate Rebeca’s Hawaiian wedding dreams, so after some familial drama and the wedding being called off (psych!), Justin gets his shit together, Norah is scammed by Dr. Shower Sex, and Tommy kidnaps his daughter and is a haggard hot mess. The Walker clan gather on the beach to trap another victim into their wacky web, but Kitty gets sick, dizzy, then passes out and stops breathing during the ceremony. Like they’d kill off Kitty. But Justin and Rebeca don’t end up saying the I do’s, so I guess Kitty’s tumors hate Rebeca as much as I do.

Desperate Housewives is also dangling the carrot of death in our faces. On the mystery front, Danny Bolen never wears jeans and Angie might be a terrorist. Lynette and Gabby are still fighting and Lynette is probably going to miscarry from all the boiling hot rage she’s exuding. Sad. Catherine officially went off the rails on a crazy train, which is saying a lot since the woman STABBED HERSELF LAST WEEK. Susan comes to her side, but in the end it’s Dylan who has mama thrown in the crazy house. It’s all very emotional, having family committed, but at least Catherine is hopefully gone for a while. Orson bows out of the marriage, but he finds out Carl was Bree’s lover so the two have a battle royal in Santa’s workshop. Before someone is arrested for murder, a plane crashes onto the lane, causing death and destruction. Happy Holidays!

Stick A Knife In It

This season on Desperate Housewives we’ve seen Katherine spiral into a pathetic, obsessed nut job over losing Mike to Susan. While it’s usually fun to see characters act a fool, this one is just irritating and annoying, mainly because Katherine’s plans have pretty much been just lying to Susan and making lame attempts to get Mike to leave Susan. Bitch, listen, Mike has a family and a child with this woman, he’s just not that into you.

Sunday Katherine’s behavior went from annoying to disgusting when she actually had the balls to tell MJ that his mommy is a bad person and how she belongs with Mike. And for the first time in a long while, I actually liked Mike as he told Katherine to step the fuck off or he was gonna get angry. And you won’t like Mike when he’s angry. Well, Katherine is a moron and still went and messed with MJ, prompting Mike to deliver an awesome beyond description speech to Katherine about how he never loved her, always wished she were Susan, and how he never cares to see her again and doesn’t care if she’s alive or dead.

So what does Katherine do? She calls 911 then stabs herself with a butcher knife. Oh those wacky housewives! Since we know the stab wound isn’t fatal because of previews for next week, my joy is short lived. Oh well. At least Mike has finally stood up to her once and for all. Now let’s join hands and pray that Katherine is shipped off to the loony bin never ever to be seen again.

Sticking Around

It was posted on www.buddytv.com that Drea de Matteo, Angie Bolen, is going to be on 20 of the 23 episodes in this season of Desperate Housewives. This is very good news because how can you not love the character of Angie? She is tough, protective, and not above punching her ass hat husband right in the face. Sure she may dress a little to flower child sometimes, but that’s what you get when you’re a free spirit like Angie. Not to mention the mystery surrounding her and her family this season is one the best this show has done. The horrible scar, a murder, a strangling, explosions, passports, fake identities? Give me more!

Hopefully once the big mystery is resolved they find a way to keep her character around even if it means saying goodbye to Nick. She has good chemistry with the other housewives and has already proven that she can be a trust worthy friend- take for instance how she handled finding out about Bree’s infidelity. Maybe they can write Catherine off to the nuthouse where she belongs and Angie can swoop in and take her place. Oh, Marc Cherry, please make this dream of mine come true. I don’t ask for much.

Sunday Night! Sunday Night!

Tonight on television, y’all need to be tuned in to ABC for your weekly fix of crack-cocaine, served up in the form of Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters.

On DH, Lynette enjoys attention because of her massive pregnancy breasts.  Damn Felicity Huffman is beautiful, and William H Macy better worship her. Elsewhere on the block, stupid John is back to date Gaby’s niece and then smooch on Gaby.  The promo monkeys are leading us to believe Carlos catches them in a lip lock, but he could just as well be gasping at his first glance of the new set of twins Lynette is sporting.

Sara will finally be back on B&S, but the episode looks like it’s gonna be all sunshine and rainbows.  Sara frolics around in France and has a steamy foreign affair.  Kitty and Robert are shacked up in Norah’s, and cancer? What cancer? At least Sarah is back and we better get to see her reaction to Kitty’s news or I’m gonna choke Berlanti myself. Expect Rebecka to be screechy and annoying and Norah to be wacky and cook lots of yummy food.

Don’t Hate The Player

Archetypes abound in the land of television.  Every group of friends on television has the smart one, the bossy one, the bitchy one, the responsible one.  And of course, there is always the promiscuous one.  You know what I’m talking about.  They have a new lover around every corner, wild stories of past affairs, and can smooth talk a turtle out of its shell.  To celebrate these friendly characters, here’s a list of memorable players from television history.

Blanche Devereaux, Golden Girls. A Southern bell with a love of men, Blanche had so many notches in her bed post it was practically whittled down to a toothpick.  She was naughty, alluded to having a love of kinky sex, and would always jump at the chance to tell a steamy story of hot, wild, unbridled passion.

Joey Tribbiani, Friends. How you doin’? Not too bad if you’re Joey.  A dim witted actor with a silver tongue, he knew how to win over the ladies.  Hell, he even got Rachel toward the end of the series.

Samantha Jones, Sex and the City. A cougar ahead of her time, Samantha may be the most unabashed player in television history.  She loved, loved, loved men, sex, and expressing her passion whenever possible.  Given the fact that SATC was on HBO, it gave her free reign to talk graphically and flaunt her rockin’ bod.

Edie Brit, Desperate Housewives. Edie not only sold real estate, she also slept with just about every man on Wisteria Lane.  But poor Edie, she always knew how to land a man, it was keeping them around that was the problem, but lying and scheming were never beneath her. She finally settled down and married a nice normal man, until he turned out to be completely psychotic and accidentally caused her tragic death.  Sad.

Brian Kinney, Queer as Folk. Ah, the dawn of the gay player. Brian not only had sex with anything that had a penis, he also did it while being a total asshole and stringing along poor, naive Justin.  Yet somehow, we still loved him. Maybe it’s because Gale Howard is very easy on the eyes.

Shane Mccutcheon, The L Word. Once called the female Fonze, Shane seemed to have something magnetic about her that women couldn’t get enough of.  She was literally beating the women off with a stick while sleeping with as many as possible.  Even though she didn’t believe in relationships and sometimes caused women to stalk and obsess over her, she was always a loyal and true friend to her L girls. She was also very skinny.