I can’t believe that they are taking this away from us next season. That is all.
It’s time to play another round of state the obvious: Tooth Fairy was a massive failure of a movie. But what surprised me was that it turned out to be a much bigger embarrassment for all involved than I could have dreamed up. I’m talking so excruciatingly painful that I had to close my eyes or look away at some points.
The plot is truly stunning: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson plays an asshole hockey player who cuts down children dreams and is famous for knocking out opponents’ teeth on the ice. He is dating a very frumpy and kinda pudgy looking Ashley Judd, who has two kids- a toothless idiot daughter and an emo guitar playing moppet son. Through a series of bullshit he is summoned to Fairy Land by Julie Andrews (who must have been blackmailed into being in this mess) to rectify his prickish life by becoming a tooth fairy for two weeks. All for the sake of reaffirming his ability to dream and believe. Jesus Christ I can’t believe this is a real movie.
So much of the movie made no sense, that it would be pointless to go through each baffling plot point one by one. Sitting through it was painful enough the first time. There was a point in the plot where Rock’s character’s life was crumbling around him. He was benched from playing hockey, yelled at Ashley Judd and got his ass dumped, then called her son a failure causing him to smash his guitar on the pavement. Rock then yelled and bitched at his fairy case worker and looked like he was on the brink of suicide. In my opinion that’s where the movie should have ended. Halfway through I got so irritated I volleyed between fantasizing about burning down the theater and wondering how much more fun it would be to perform my own root canal.
While I was wishing someone would stab me to death, the rest of the audience, which mainly consisted of elementary school children and the morbidly obese, seemed to be having a fine time laughing at the site of the Rock in a fairy costume or at the endless tooth and teeth puns. Thank God it’s over. And if hell does exist, this will be the only movie playing on the Pay-Per View channel. So congratulations Dwayne Johnson, you managed to make a movie that sucked harder than The Pacifier.
Grab your diet soda and salty flavored snacks, Vh1’s Celebrity Fit Club rolls out its seventh season Monday night at 9. From the looks of it, the cast is pretty entertaining, and no Screech in sight. Let’s met the gang:
- Sabastian Bach- Forever known in my heart as Gil on Gilmore Girls
- Bobby Brown- Of reality and Whitney Houston fame
- Jay McCarroll- Off the runway and onto the treadmill
- Kaycee Stroh- Being in High School Musical will change a girl
- Kevin Federline- Who is this guy? He looks kind of familiar….
- Nicole Egger- Getting back into the bikini body I see
- Shar Jackson- The ex-lover of K-Fed. Oooh the drama.
- Tanisha Thomas- You is a bad girl, girl
Best of luck to this season’s cast. Between this and the cast of the latest Celebrity Apprentice it’s gonna be a good February.
RuPaul’s Drag Race is back for another sexually confused season on Logo! Does the youth of today even know who RuPaul is outside of his cameo in The Brady Bunch Movie? I for one love drag queens and this show. It’s just so ridiculous. But what an honor to be named the country’s top drag queen. Much more prestigious than being named 1st place in your local gay dance club’s tighty whitey strip show. You go, girls.
The Oscar nominations have been released, and there aren’t many surprises.
Best Supporting Actress:
Vera Farmiga (Up in the Air)
Anna Kendrick (Up in the Air)
Maggie Gyllenhaal (Crazy Heart)
Mo’nique (Precious)
Penelope Cruz (Nine)
Mo’nique best win this, because duh.
Best Supporting Actor:
Matt Damon (Invictus)
Woody Harrelson (The Messenger)
Christopher Plummer (The Last Station)
Stanley Tucci (The Lovely Bones)
Christoph Waltz (Inglourious Basterds)
I call either Damon of Waltz.
Best Actress:
Sandra Bullock (The Blind Side)
Helen Mirren (The Last Station)
Carey Mulligan (An Education)
Gabourey Sidibe (Precious)
Meryl Streep (Julie & Julia)
It’s going to be either Meryl Streep or Sandra Bullock. Coincidentally I’ve seen both movies that these women are nominated for, and it seems like Streep is far more deserving. Yeah, Sandra Bullock saved a black kid from a life of gang warfare, but Meryl Streep used so much butter.
Best Actor:
Jeff Bridges (Crazy Heart)
George Clooney (Up in the Air)
Colin Firth (A Single Man)
Morgan Freeman (Invictus)
Jeremy Renner (The Hurt Locker)
George Clooney or Morgan Freeman. I could listen to Freeman read the phone book and I could stare at Clooney all day. So either way is a good thing.
Best Director:
James Cameron (Avatar)
Kathryn Bigelow (The Hurt Locker)
Quentin Tarantino (Inglourious Basterds)
Lee Daniels (Precious)
Jason Reitman (Up in the Air)
We all know James Cameron is going to win, and humility will be thrown right out of the window. But if he speaks his made up language during the acceptance speech, I’m gonna run him down with a tank.
Best Screenplay:
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
The Messenger
A Serious Man
Up
Does anyone really care?
Best Adapted Screenplay:
District 9
An Education
In the Loop
Precious
Up in the Air
Hopefully Up or Inglourious Basterds. Nazi killing and old men with balloons are very in this year.
Best Animated Feature Film:
Coraline
Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Princess and the Frog
Secret of Kells
Up
It’s gonna be Up, because Pixar controls the universe. Although Fantastic Mr. Fox is highly deserving.
Best Picture:
Avatar
The Blind Side
District 9
An Education
Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Precious
A Serious Man
Up
Up in the Air
Holy hell there are a ton of nominations this year. But say it with me now: AV-A-TAR
This long, disgusting winter needs to end now. You know what else needs to end? Winter hiatus! Pretty soon our favorites such as Gossip Girl, Flashforward, and V will be returning as well as a host of new shows hoping to gain acceptance. One such show that starts up on March 1 on NBC is Parenthood.
Not only is the cast stellar, featuring Lauren Graham, Peter Krause, and Craig T. Nelson, but it’s based off of the equally awesome 80’s flick of the same name which starred Rick Moranis, Dianne Weist, and Steve Martin. It is directed by Ron Howard, who also did the original movie. Dear God typing those last few sentences sent me into a deliriously happy state. NBC better not muck this up because I love both Graham and Krause and to not only have them back on my screen but together no less is nothing short of amazing. And it also looks like Arrested Development’s little Ann Veal plays Graham’s daughter. Excellent.
The premise is pretty much what you’d expect, a sprawling family drama taking on all the ho-hum details of everyday family life. Given the success of Modern Family and Brothers & Sisters, this definitely looks like a winner. Keep space free on your DVR!
The Grammys are on now, y’all. Zach Brown Band just won for best new artist and I want to throw my television set out of the window. Who the hell really cares, we all watch for the fashion anyway. Soldier on, awards show.
I just read on EW.com that Rob Lowe is leaving Brothers & Sisters after the season wraps up in May because he thinks he is being underused on the show. Whatever bro, just be thankful you’re getting a paycheck after you tried forcing Lion’s Den down our throats. Also floating around the interkips is news that Calista Flockhart will only be in 13 of next season’s 22 episodes. God this show loves being self destructive. So how is this gonna happen? They had their chance to kill off The Senator last season with his heart attack and Kitty magically beat cancer in all of five minutes… However it works out, there’s gonna be a lot less people to yell at at the next Walker family dinner party.
Last week was the finale and reunion special of Jersey Shore, and while it was sad to say good bye to those over-tanned rascals, it still has not sank in. Of course, we were able to order the uncensored DVD of the first season before the show even finished airing it’s finale, so maybe that will help ease the lonely nights.
For all of it’s ridiculousness and over the top attitudes that filled the tacky beach house, it was like they were a little mafia family, sticking together to fight off cougars, juice heads, and other zoo animals of varying levels of skanktitude. That’s what I think made this bunch different from any group of boring white kids over on The Real World. These people actually got along, liked each other, and formed quite the little family. Sure, they were also egotistical, meat headed, and a little slutty, but who’s keeping track.
When you think about it, it’s the little things that bond us together. For some friends they all share the same political backgrounds, enjoy hobbies, or are obsessed with Elvis. These kids loved tanning, drinking, hooking up in hot tubs, and getting into fights on the boardwalk. And I for one enjoyed each crazy antic, from adorable Snooki getting punched, Mike “The Situation” always without a shirt, or Ronnie being thrown in jail. I will miss Jersey Shore, and hopefully they are all back for season two, even if it means Mtv shelling out more money per episode.
Fox loves to piss me off. I just read that they are going to try and reboot Planet of the Apes, yet again. It goes without saying that the original is one of the best, most influential and shocking sci-fi movies ever made. The remake back in 2001 was just awful, especially the ending with Ape Lincoln. I feel sad that Tim Burton’s great name is attached to it. The new movie looks like it’s going to be a prequel, showing us how the apes came to be a human civilization. We don’t need that in the slightest. The original was awesome, and there good sequels, and a fun cartoon series. So, the prequel will probably suck and I will probably see it, just to enjoy hating it.
